To my darling boys (R aged 11 months and C aged almost 5)
Tomorrow I go back to work. That means today was officially the end of my maternity leave.
I was so lucky to be able to have a whole year off with you both and the second time off with you Mr C…. the first time I went back earlier. This time I gave myself a whole year. 365 days. Was one of the best and hardest years of my life.
12 months seemed like forever at the time, some days it did feel like FOREVER. Start the shift (I know it sounds really bad to call your care “shifts” but sometimes it did feel like that) at 5am and sometimes go to 7pm. There were days I couldn’t wait for your dad to get home because I hadn’t eaten, I had no energy to entertain you or fight your brother’s cat naps …. I hadn’t napped, I hadn’t showered, and I was pretty sure I was going to lose it…..but I never regretted any of it or wished anything else in that time.
Believe I have soaked up every moment with you that I could. While you may never remember, I will never forget. I will forever be thankful for this time; you taught me the deepest form of love, a whole new level of multitasking, and I’m amazed I’ve been given the privilege to see you both grow and watch the world through your eyes.
C, every Monday and Tuesday morning I loved walking you to Kindy – I didn’t have to rush. A feeling that for the past 4 years has been foreign to me. Always running – then running some more to the next “thing” or to fix something in the office before the day even really started. Not this year! We just took our time and walked and talked, pointed and discovered. Each season had its beauty. The sunny skies in summer and falling leaves in Autumn … oh boy our beautiful walks I will miss but will try as much as I can to still have them – I promise!
R, I loved our first 4 months of napping together (then you got too heavy) it was sooo cuddly and cute and we got naps – yahhh! I then loved our walks once you liked the pram (finally) and days where we just hang out on the trampoline and watch the blue sky and listen to you laugh.
I wonder if I can function as an employee in 24 hours times? Make decisions, guide people, write cost savings, think of marketing plans. Because these days I struggle with a little decision like Target vs K-mart for a browse? Coles or Woolworths for a shop, 2 bottles or 3 on our outing…. God help me!
I know I am making the right decision. I need a part of me back. I honestly can’t make play dough every single day or clean the house 100 times over.. I do want to work as much as the heels and the stockings are giving me the shivers (stocking update – not that bad – heels need a live in physio!!!)
I want to be able to take us on holiday, pay off the mortgage, have a date night so I am a better parent for it, buy overpriced candles and not worry about how we get by…. the swinging thoughts of wanting it all and knowing you cannot have it all (well in my case anyways)
I need to work and still crave that outlet of work to feed myself as a person and not just a mum. You both provide me with inspiration and motivation in my work and I am sorry to say but I need the work to balance out the mundane tasks. There were days where I was bored. My mind was numb making rainbow spaghetti. Paw Patrol theme song did not cut it. I would daydream at the people in suits at my café and wonder what they were working on. I wanted to have coffee chit chat with an adult. I want it all.
I am sure in a week’s time when I am sitting in another back to back meeting, stuck in traffic or over delegating to myself I will want to make the rainbow spaghetti, clean up x 3 meals a day or whatever task you throw at me that lets me don the hoodie and not the heels. However right here , right now… I am putting back on the heels for you, for us, for me… please don’t hate me for it. Thanks for an amazing year xx. I will never forget laying on the trampoline watching clouds, spontaneous ice cream trips, netflix and nap binges and being there to watch you both become beautiful brothers to eachother.
ps – two weeks after I started this post on my eve of return to work. I can say I successfully have worked 10 days. cried twice. fake resigned 100 times. organised a 5th birthday in my lunch break. pretty much forgot about my birthday. Need Physio every day. Called Uber Eats more times then I would like. Have forgotten the one year old’s routine. bought clothes after work because I did not have time to do Laundry. Overall I would say its going to be OK…. hard but OK…..