One of our KiA Dads, Tim, is a huge movie buff so we’ve put him on the job and he’ll be reviewing as many kid friendly movies as he can manage every school holidays. It’s sometimes hard to judge from just a movie trailer or movie rating if something is suitable for your kids so Tim will not only be reviewing each film but also recommending which kids might enjoy or not enjoy it.
How to watch: Netflix
Short version – Well that escalated. Quickly.
Suitable For: Kids who want to sneakily watch stuff they shouldn’t.
Well unless you have been living under a rock (not The Rock, but an actual lump of solid ground), you would have heard about Squid Game. What is Squid Game? Glad you asked. Because we have binge watched the most popular thing to come out of Korea since Gangnam Style or BTS (which we initially thought was a type of double cut roll but have since learnt is a rather popular boy band), to find out what this is all about. So the question we have to ask, given this is generally a place that reviews family flicks like Aladdin or Space Jam, why are we reviewing a gory show rated MA15 here? The answer is simple….kids are evil little things and by the time you have read this, they will already be up to Episode 5 because guess what. Kids are smarter than us. So it pays to at least know what on Earth is going on with this new craze.
Firstly, lets answer the obvious. This show is not for kids. I mean kids will watch it, because they will be sitting there on their ipad on Netflix and this brightly coloured monstrosity will be front and centre marked as ‘Trending’, so they will click it. Then they will watch the first episode, which (spoiler alert) has some scary AF looking giant doll mowing down people with machine guns whilst they play kids school yard games, they will then tell their mates and boom…..every kid will be onto it. But I digress, they shouldn’t watch it, not unless they can drive. Thats a fairly good age range. If your kids can drive, they are old enough to watch gambling addicted Koreans be slaughtered for fun by faceless billionaires. I think thats a good rule of thumb personally. Want to watch murder on the screen? Be old enough to drive yourself to therapy.
What will draw kids (and we mean ALL kids with an internet connection) to this is the internet buzz, the bright (pretty awesome to be honest) and intricate costumes and sets, as well as the intrigue in seeing school yard games being taken to the next level. They also will just want to watch, or at least know a bit about, what everyone is talking about. It isn’t a horror show as such, but the gore has been dialled up to the max and unless your kids grew up in Gilead, they will find this all a little disturbing.
For parents? Yeah this is pretty cool. Think Hunger Games but Katniss gets shot because she got tagged in a game of red rover with the other Hemsworth. The production is outstanding and you can choose to either watch with English subtitles or dubbing. The dubbing is a bit rough and apparently the subs may be a more accurate translation. But who are we kidding, you are watching this to watch the slaughter.
And for reference, to save you the googling, a billion Korean Won is about a million bucks.
4 out of 5 scary dudes in pink costumes and circle masks. Great show unless you are a child, in which case this is nightmare fuel.
Runtime: 127 minutes
How to watch: In Cinemas and Disney+ Premiere Access ($34.99)
Short version – It is impossible to not love Emily Blunt and The Rock.
Suitable For: Brave under 10s and tweens….and Dads who have a man crush on The Rock.
A movie starring my two favourite actors? Shut up and take my money! Long time readers (Hi mum) will know I would watch anything The Rock makes. Even if he did a cooking show, I would watch it (to smell what he is cooking obviously….sigh. The Dad jokes have hit rock bottom. Ah did it again….wrestling fans will appreciate those however), but Emily Blunt is the real star here. She is brilliant as usual and stars in this movie about a ride at Disneyland. Never been to Disneyland? Neither have I. So assume this is the same as if they made a movie about the Mad Mouse from the royal show ….what a movie that would be! Dangerous….absolutely. Over priced? Definitely.
How did they turn a river cruise ride into a movie? What is it even about? Well set about 100 odd years ago, Blunt is a fancy professor type hunting an elusive legend, deep in the Amazon. The Rock has a boat. You can see where this is going can’t you. The banter between the stars is good fun, the action scenes are fantastic and it is the kind of escapism that we have been crying out for the past 18 months.
There are a few twists along the way which I won’t spoil, but fair warning there are a few scenes and characters that will potentially scare the bejeezus out of the little kids. It isn’t too horrific, with Mr 7 loving it, but if your kids didn’t mind Pirates of the Caribbean style themes then they won’t mind this.
What is safe to spoil is that this is bloody fantastic. A brilliant family flick, which might be a nudge too long but is funny and with plenty of action and laughs to go with the all star cast. Our whole crew loved this, from the little kids to the older teens (oh and the adults), which is pretty rare to be honest.
4 out of 5 white suits in the jungle…..why would they wear suits in the jungle? Damn that would have been hot.
Space Jam: A New Legacy
Runtime: 116 minutes
How to watch: In Cinemas now
Short version – MJ is the goat….change my mind.
Suitable For: Pretty much everyone.
Going to be honest here, massive Michael Jordan fan. As a 90s kid, he was and always will be the GOAT. So the OG Space Jam holds a special place in that little nostalgia part of my brain (to be fair, the kid nostalgia part of my brain is the 2nd largest part behind the ‘loves all snacks’ gland) and it was always going to be interesting to see how the Lebron James version stacked up.
Don’t know what Space Jam is? Glad you asked. Imagine you are a marketing type working for a big movie studio, and you had a mate who was a sports agent to a really famous basketball player. So you want to combine the two in some sort of mega commercial where you combine all your intellectual property into a 2 hour CGI marketing dream and make all the cash? Enter Space Jam. Basketball superstar gets sucked into a computer and has to play basketball against cartoon characters (all the Loony Toons faves from 1973) to win their freedom…..or something. Look to be fair, don’t dig too deeply into the plot (or the acting ability of James just quietly) and just enjoy the pretty colours.
Weirdly, do kids now even know who Bugs Bunny and co. are anymore? Damn we are getting old. Did you know 1996, when the first one came out, was 25 years ago? WTF? How is that even possible. Thats probably why they made sure to include a billion of other Warner Bros characters like Harry Potter, just to make sure kids actually recognised someone.
The general theme here is all about family. Not the Fast and Furious Vin Diesel type, but the ‘don’t force your kids to do stuff just because thats what you like to do’ kind. Not that you are watching this for a life message, but there it is anyway. Lebron has to save his lad after they are both sucked into a computer and can’t get out until they learn the real meaning of parenting (Honestly, Warner Bros have created the most advanced and evil computer villain since Ultron). The reviews for this have been bloody atrocious but I think thats a bit unfair. It was funny, bright, cool CGI (even if a lifelike CGI version of Bugs Bunny isn’t slightly terrifying) and overall they did it pretty well. Don Cheadle is awesome as the evil computer guy, Lebron acts about as well as Ben Simmons’ shoots but who cares because the man can DUNK!
3.5 out of 5 Marvin the Martians (he is awesome) – Would have been 4 had MJ made an appearance.
Runtime: 2 hours 14 minutes. Felt long. Turns out it actually was.
How to watch: In Cinemas now or Disney + (Premier release….just means you also have to pay $29.99 extra)
Short version – There are only 3 Dalmatians….which is good because they turn out to be evil and 98 more would have made it a horror movie.
Suitable For: The over 10 crowd….the under 10s will get bored (and also the Dalmatians kill people which is not ideal)
So turns out every character now needs an origin story, because it is important to bleed every last dollar possible out of that back catalogue. In this instalment of “Origin Stories we didn’t think we needed but now we can’t live without” comes the story of the famous villain who somehow managed to win her way into our hearts by attempting to kidnap 101 gorgeous puppies and turn them into a coat.
Cruella tells the story of, funnily enough, Cruella De Vil. Played to perfection by Emma Stone who is just awesome in everything. She probably would even be awesome in a Bed e Buys commercial, spruiking furniture that looks like it was plucked out of the sea from a shipwrecked shipping container. Watch as young Estella, finding herself a poor orphan on the streets of London, grows into the actually-quite-awesome Cruella, who sort of ends up a bit of a Tom Hiddleston Loki kind of villain, who is just impossible to hate. In the end you actually kind of hope she finds the rest of those dogs so she can make the coat because damn she deserves it for all she put up with.
The supporting cast is spot on and the setting of the London fashion scene was fabulous, but the real shock here is the Dalmatians. To be honest, we sort of expected them to be front and centre here with puppies everywhere, but there was only 3 of them…..and they were evil. Like Fluffy from Harry Potter kind of evil, not The Beast from The Sandlot who was supposed to be evil but ended up just cute and cuddly. Mental note, do not buy a Dalmatian.
It felt a bit long and some of our crew drifted off onto their phones (teenagers hey) but overall it was not a bad way to spend the night. Certainly fills the void until Marvel returns to the cinemas….woo hoo!
3 out of 5 Dalmatians – Gets a point for every Dalmatian we counted. Thats our scoring system….more puppers…more points.
Runtime: 1 hour 29 minutes. Actual. Not and hour and half.
How to watch: In Cinemas June 2021
Short version – An inspiring delight to watch.
Suitable For: It’s suitable for every kid who has ever ridden around on their bike pretending it was a pony. Probably.
Spirit Untamed is an inspiring delight to watch. The kids loved the action and adventure, combined with some serious chuckles. The key characters are courageous, brave and caring. The plot is simple to follow, yet deep enough for some great conversations with older little ones afterwards too. There are a couple of sad parts, with my clan glued to their seats in anticipation of what would happen over the next ravine. Highly recommend this movie to families. It’s PG rated, yet perfect for my little misses aged 5, 6 & 7.
We give it 5 jodhpurs out of 5.
Runtime: 86 minutes
How to watch: Netflix
Short version – A new movie genre….parenting horror cross child fantasy.
Suitable For: To be fair it is pretty much spot on for everyone.
Did your kids destroy your spirit? Were you a fun loving 20 something, who was always up for adventure but now you get concerned if the corners of your Tupperware are too sharp? Did you used to get down for a last minute road trip but now if it hasn’t been in the shared family calendar for at least a month, it all seems a bit rushed? Well, do we have the movie for you! In fact if you are like us you will feel rather targeted by this movie about a set of normal middle aged parents who turn from fun loving adventurers into the parenting equivalent of your Year 10 Maths teacher (shout out to Ms Butterworth….those life lessons sure did me good!). When the parents realise their kids think they are as boring as a covid press conference, they decide to take the parenting advice of a high school lunatic and let the kids have everything they want.
Sort of. Well its not really a spoiler is it, the title sort of gives it away. For 24hours or so, apart from committing criminal offences, whatever the kids ask for they get. Not sure why this is such a novel concept, as a younger parent if Daddy had one too many ‘special drinks’ on a Saturday night, Sunday morning inevitably became ‘Yes day’, if it meant an extra half hour sleep. Turns out that concept, which I thought was ‘bad parenting’ is actually a great concept for a movie. The things you learn hey.
Now this won’t win an Oscar. Should have given a warning before that grand statement, but for what this lacks in movie artistry it makes up for in family movie awesomeness. Jennifer Garner is awesome as the scary AF mean mum who comes good, while the kids play their parts well enough too (you know the type….moody teen girl, jokester boy who blows stuff up and the cute as a button young girl….they are all here!). It is fun, suitable for everyone and will be entertaining enough for even the most annoying members of your family (teenagers. I was talking about teenagers). Well worth a look!
4 out of 5 water balloon fights…….apparently if you destroy the inside of a car with water in a movie it is funny, but in real life it is property damage. The things you learn.
Runtime: 101 minutes
How to watch: Disney Plus
Short version – It is Pixar so it is astounding, but as a kids movie? Meh.
Suitable For: Little kids will be bored. Adults will find it incredible. Teens will be split.
After about the first 15 minutes of watching Soul, which don’t get me wrong, is another perfectly made piece of cinematic geniusness, you will sit there and wonder what kids exactly they made this for? Hear me out. Teacher who is a wannabe jazz musician, dying for his big break, struggles with the decision of whether to take the job security of a full time teaching gig over chasing his elusive jazz dream. That screams ‘Kids movie’ as much as ‘lets watch Tim explain how he does his taxes each year’ or ‘What sort of fertiliser is best to use on a lawn that gets little sunlight in the hills’. So you stick with it and the whole ‘Soul’ part of the movie starts to happen and yeah, there are some cool little characters who might force a snigger out of the side of a kids mouth, but overall this is like watching an animated version of a really good adult drama. Like Mighty Ducks. Which is what I class as an ‘Adult Drama’ (Flying V for the win Coach Bombay)
So what is it even about? Well not sure if it counts as a spoiler as you sort of expect death to be a thing given the whole “Soul” thing, but Mr Jazz guy dies and then goes through a bunch of after life adventures with these weird 2 dimensional stick figure people who are probably angels are something. Dunno. They seemed friendly. Might be the demons from ‘The Good Place’ for all we know. But as a middle aged adult, you will sit there watching it unfold and by the end, you will doubt whether or not you have lived every moment to the fullest and will promise yourself you will get up at 5am to admire every sunrise and smell every flower. All of them. Even ones full of bees. Just smell them and cop the stings.
There is some heavy stuff for the kids here. Lots of death. I mean its basically just a death movie in cartoon form. So you might have to talk about that, so if that is too hard just watch Toy Story 4 again. It isn’t funny so don’t expect a laugh fest and I guess your kids might ask if chasing your dreams always leads to death, which isn’t ideal probably. Honestly, you adults will love this and the reviews have been raving about it, but for your kids, don’t be surprised if they are so bored they just scroll Tik Tok for 101 minutes like mine did.
4 out of 5 Ghosts I don’t want Ghostbusters to bust – I loved it. Thats all that matters.
Paw Patrol – Jet to the Rescue
Runtime: 56 minutes
How to watch: AT THE CINEMA YOU BEAUTY!
Short version – Be happy to be back at the movies. Never complain again….even if it is just Paw Patrol.
They release a Paw Patrol movie every few months or so now. When I say movie, this was 56 minutes and even that consisted of 1 regular length episode and then 1 slightly longer episode. They even have the blacked out pauses where the ads usually go. So in what is basically an obscene money grab, you can watch Paw Patrol as you know it but with the privilege of paying $20 bucks a ticket for it. But honestly, who cares. It was tops just to be back at the movies with the little kids and hearing them laugh and carry on.
So what are you going to see? If you don’t know what Paw Patrol is (don’t google it. You will end up in some weird US racism rabbit hole that will make you doubt your sense of logic and common sense), a bunch of dogs have access to insane levels of technology (and time travel…that was new) where they use this tech to help people in need. All the pups have different gadgets and although most of them just have hooks attached to cables, they somehow manage to make those hooks and cables seem different to each other. In this movie, they also have jets. Because why not. Watch as the pups get in their jets to save an old English village from being levitated by a greedy prince who has found some magical gems. Amazing that someone took that plot to some sort of a meeting and they all agreed to make movie out of it.
Is it any good? Short answer of course not. It is meant for 5 year olds and it is a LOOONG 56 minutes. Half the parents I saw were on their phones most of the time but hey, it was a dark comfortable cinema with big chairs and snacks. Think of it as a 56 minute rest plus trailers, but the real joy here after a year of utter crap, is being at the cinema and hearing little kids laugh again. Mr 6 absolutely bloody loved the shite out of this one. Thought it was the bees knees he did. Movie of the decade as far as he was concerned. The movie gets 4 stars for that but for the parents you get nothing….bad luck. Do it for the kids.
4 out of 5 Pups – Watch it before the US cancel it….because they want too.
Runtime: 115 minutes
How to watch: Disney + ($34.95 rental fee)
Short version – Either a pretty good adult war movie or a fairly terrible kids movie.
Do you ever have a mate who is a tradie, so you get them in to do some work (thinking it will be cheap and you are helping a mate out) but they end up charging more than most normal tradies and they do a shite job? That is Disney. It looks like they are doing you a favour by releasing a big ticket release onto Disney Plus (skipping the cinemas) but then they charge bloody $35 bucks and the movie is a dogs breakfast. How good is 2020 hey?
Going to be honest here, I don’t recall ever seeing the Mulan cartoon movie. My kids never got into it and it was a bit after my (sigh) youth. But the story seems fairly easy enough right? Young chinese girl, pretends to be a boy to join the army to protect her country and has a cool, wisecracking dragon friend to boot. Pretty cool….what could go wrong?
Well turns out if you take away the wise cracking cartoon dragon friend, you are just sort of left with the story of a young girl who joins the army and goes to war. I mean don’t get me wrong, it isn’t a bad war flick, as she leaves her village to go to boot camp and then have a heap of battles….but…..it isn’t exactly a kids movie. My kids, ranging from 6 to 15, sort of thought it was crap. Boring (hard to argue that… there was not one joke. Not even a smile. Every character is Serious Simon ALL. OF. THE. TIME) and as much as 39 year old Dads find movies about 5th century China intriguing, the kids watched out of politeness (tbh they weren’t that polite) and the promise of snacks.
So what do you do? There isn’t a whole lot to watch movie wise and this is one of the BIG releases of the year, so if you are like me and have to have a look, here is the upshot. There is a lot of killing. Like Mulan is a bad ass assassin who just slays a bucketload of people. It isn’t gory as such, but you know, a spear through a dude is still a spear through a dude. It is probably aimed more at the 10yrs and above, but my 10 and aboves were bored out of their brains. They both gave it 2.5 out of 5…and they were just being nice because it was Father’s Day and it was my movie choice. Hard to argue. Unlike Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast and other Disney flicks, there is nothing bright and shiny to keep the young ones attention sadly.
2.5 out of 5 Cartoon dragon sidekicks – Everything is better with a cartoon dragon sidekick.
The One and Only Ivan
Runtime: 95 minutes
How to watch: Disney +
Short version – A movie about a large hairy beast in lockdown who gets angry a lot….pretty much the story of me in March.
This would have been a huge school holiday movie where everyone would go to see it. You know, the big budget Disney flick with all the celeb voices and slick CGI. But its snuck onto streaming because, virus-who-shan’t-be-named, so just don’t picture this as the usual Disney + “made for TV” movie garbage (looking at you Camp Rock…..still haunts me). Its a ripper!
Ivan is a ginormous Silverback Gorilla who is the star attraction at a shopping mall’s permanent circus set up because in 1980s America, shops had Gorillas. Of course they did. I sat here watching thinking “what a stupid premise….why would a shop have a permanent circus?”…..turns out its a true story! Who knew. Lift your game Westfield! Less Smiggles….more Gorillas!
Ivan and his mates (Elephants, seals, stray dogs and small children pretty much round out the group here), after being at the mall for 27 years (pretty sure thats how long it feels when we go Christmas Shopping…kill me now) have had enough and want to go home to the wild….or at least outside. Thats the plot here, the journey to freedom…of sorts. Simple enough but here comes Disney with the BAM. Tissues. They just know how to get you don’t they! “Oh how cool are these guys, I love their personalities….wouldn’t it be a shame if we, I don’t know, took out Simba’s dad in the stampede?”
So yeah, there is a bit of a tear jerker here so watch out for it with the little ones and 39 year old dads. Damn onions get you every time. You will really come to love all the crew here and even the humans aren’t really the bad guys either. Bryan Cranston swaps his meth lab for a circus ringmaster hat and is fantastic, while Angelina Jolie stars as Ivan’s best mate the Elephant. We all loved this one to be honest, with the whole fam from Mr 6 through to Miss 15 happily watching it. Pretty sure Miss 15 was happy….hard to tell with teenagers isn’t it. It is funny, not too long, no scary bits and has the added boost of being a true story. Brilliant stuff.
4.5 out of 5 Gorillas – Gorillas are awesome. Just love those guys.
Runtime: 77 minutes
How to watch: In theatres now (gee it feels good to write that again)
Short version – Its a French kids cartoon movie released in English. It sounds like a dumpster fire. But amazingly it isn’t.
France. Home to the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, croissants, long bike races through mountains and of course their most famous export…..SamSam. Never heard of SamSam before? Cool. Neither had I. How to best describe SamSam?. You know those movies with Bill Murray where he goes real Indie and plays whack job characters but they are awesome… It is like that. The cartoon version of the Royal Tenenbaums.
So SamSam is a 5year old kid (maybe. Who knows. SamSam world is weird) who lives in a Super Mario Galaxy type universe where planets seem as big as large basketballs and parents give so few shits about the kids they just lay on the lounge reading the paper, while the kids fly off in space ships to other planets to go to school. That was the part that got me. What age do these kids get their licence? I mean SamMum and SamDad just gave zero shits. Oh where is SamSam…the 5 year old kid we have? Oh look he is flying near a black hole being chased by a monster. Spoiler Alert. Sorry.
But the weirdness is kind of cool. This is a little kids movie, so leave the over 10s to roam the mall for a few hours and call it a ‘life lesson’ (hey if it is good enough for SamSam’s parents it is good enough for me!), but the parents won’t mind it either. The plot is essentially Romeo and Juliet, if the Capulets were Cosmic Space heroes and the Montagues were what I think are a planet of the pigs from Angry Birds. The classic love story.
SamSam lives in a universe where everyone has super powers, except he hasn’t got his yet, but all this friends do. So the story sort of follows how he tries to find his powers, makes friends with the mysterious new kid and blah blah, friendship is his superpower, blah blah, you get where this is going.
The sort of weird but also really good thing about this is yeah there are monsters, but the monsters are the things little kids have to deal with. Like bed wetters. Little golf ball sized things that chase kids and squirt them with water pistols to make it look like they wet their beds. Yep that was a thing. So the little ones will be able to relate to SamSam really well. It is still weird AF though.
2.5 out of 5 unlicenced children flying space ships. I sort of want to watch the original french cartoon TV series now.
Runtime: 93 minutes
How to watch: Google Play, Apple Plus, Microsoft Store
Short version – So can they all understand Scooby Doo? Are talking dogs normal in the Scooby Cinematic Universe?
So this is a Scooby Doo movie. There has been that many over the years, they have run out of titles so now they have to do just weird abbreviations and punctuation. The sequel to this one will probably be called $c@@B followed by some emojis. Unlike the Freddy Prinze Jr (god damn what a dreamboat) live action movies from back when the biggest issue in the world was whether to get 7 weeklys for $10 or to get 5 overnight new releases (You know when you tried to work out if it was actually possible to watch 26 hours of movies before having to return them all 24 hours later. Ah good times), this is a cartoon. But please, when I say ‘Cartoon’, I don’t mean Pixar quality animation. Think more along the lines of those Barbie: Mermaidia sort of thing and you are on the right track. That doesn’t mean the kids won’t like it, but you know, it won’t win an Oscar.
Scoob! is an origin movie of sorts, with the Mystery Inc crew meeting as kids and then showing them do their thing as teens. For the most part it is harmless enough and the plot is kind of cool, in fact it is still a better origin movie than Green Lantern. I mean you won’t actually lol, but you will do that ‘loud exhale which isn’t a laugh but indicates to those around that you found some small level of humour in what you just witnesses’. Mr 6 bloody loved it. I mean he actually lol’d a bloody lot so park your young ones in front of the TV and they will be like pigs in mud. The teens gave up and went on Tik Tok or something I assume. Who knows what they do most of the time.
I actually like Scooby Doo. The Scooby Coaster at Movie World is one of my fave rides ever! So with the nostalgia thing, parents won’t mind this too much. There is also enough inside jokes to keep you interested and nods to Scooby of years gone by, plus at only 93 minutes, it is less painful to watch than a crows game at the moment (if this review acts as a quasi-time capsule, the crows are about to be 0-6 and are so woeful it hurts).
One thing I still can’t work out is if they can all understand Scooby talking, or if talking dogs is a normal thing in the Scooby Cinematic Universe, or if it like a Family Guy deal where they just all talk and never explain who can understand who. I also spent a lot of time working out how much the Mystery Inc would actually charge for their services to solve these mysteries. I mean Velma’s tech wouldn’t come cheap, plus staff costs, fuel and running costs for the Mystery Machine Anyway…isolation has made me loco.
3 out of 5 talking dogs. It has a cool celeb cast. Extra half a point to pick the voices (I was certain Ryan Reynolds was in it! Turns out…no)
Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga
Runtime: 125 minutes
How to watch: Netflix
Short version – JaJa Ding Dong is my new favourite song. Not Eurovision Song. Play Jaja Ding Dong!
Will Ferrell can be a bit of an acquired taste. Like a teenage South Aussie trying West End Draught for the first time, it can go down a bit rough. But after a while, it will either still taste like red death or liquid gold. That pretty much sums up Will Ferrell. For every Step Brothers super fan (me) you will find someone who can’t stand him. Well whatever category you fit in, I can assure you that red tins Ferrell is nowhere to be seen and he is absolute liquid gold in Eurovision.
Don’t know what Eurovision is? It is pretty much the 1989 SAFM Rock Eisteddfod with a bigger budget and more Europeans. The song contest to end all song contests. Imagine the Voice but without the spinning chairs, bickering judges and Delta. Thankfully no Delta here. This yearly feast for the senses drags, from all over Europe, the most talented artists into one contest and then for good measure, chucks in a couple of lunatics to make you wonder what exactly your eyeballs are absorbing. It is really quite brilliant.
I must admit, this was a slow burn for me. The first 5 minutes had me thinking this was going to be more West End Draught Will Ferrell and less Step Brothers Ferrell, but after that initial whinge, I was hooked. Still am. It is brilliant. Ferrell is fantastic but it is his relationship with Sigrid (Rachel McAdams is the REAL star here) which just makes this. It is funny, has some ripper cameos (lots of real life Euro contestants appear too!) and the music is so damn catchy . It will even have the least artistic person in your family (in my case that is me) you-tubing Eurovision clips or just trying to do dances on Tik Tok.
Not often will you have what is essentially a romantic comedy musical being shouted as being so good, from someone who usually leans more to fart jokes, so this is the perfect date night movie. Even better, with it being on Netflix, you don’t even need to wear pants with a belt to go see it! Track pants, a huge bag of doritos and those really comfortable bed socks which you don’t actually remember buying, is just what is needed to get ready for this one.
4.5 out of 5 Elves. Respect the Elves…..or they will go too far.
Trolls World Tour
Runtime: 94 minutes
How to watch: Stream via multiple sources
Short version – Way better than expected. But that could be the cabin fever speaking.
I miss movies. I miss going outside. I miss wearing pants with a belt. When the world went crazy in the longest March in recorded history, a bunch of movies that were supposed to be released at the cinema were either delayed a million years or released straight to the 412 streaming sites we now pay $10 a month each for. Trolls World Tour was one of those released online early….woo hoo! New stuff to watch besides re-runs of The Office.
In the sequel to the movie based on those long-haired dolls that sat on your desk in the 90s (Surely a Tamagotchi movie isn’t far away?), we head back to Troll land which is so loud and so bright it makes you want to wear glasses inside (which also helps to cover the iso day drinking…life hack). You know that person at work who is fine in small doses, like a quick chat in a hallway once a day kind of thing, but anything more than that just does your head in? Troll land is like that. The trailer for it looked horrendous BUT…..the movie is actually good! It probably shouldn’t be great but in a world where the Tiger King is the world’s biggest celebrity, just roll with it. Whatever. I had Doritos for breakfast. The world is crazy.
Join the Troll queen Poppy as she and the Justin Timberlake troll go on an adventure to stop the rock and roll troll queen from taking over the troll world, by collecting the ‘music strings’ of the many troll music kingdoms. It is essentially the plot from Avengers Endgame, but rather than Thanos collecting infinity stones to take over the world, the Rock Troll Queen is collecting troll music strings. Given I have a lot of time on my hands, stay tuned for my 20, 000 word thesis on the similarities between the Trolls and Marvel Cinematic Universes.
The best thing is, the whole fam will love this! My clan, from Mr (now) 6 to Miss 15 really enjoyed it and best of all, you will enjoy it too. You probably won’t even need to drink to get through it and you can watch it from your lounge room in your night time pyjamas (because I now have day time pyjamas and night time pyjamas….makes me feel like more of an adult if I get dressed each day).
4 out of 5 Trolls. It would probably be a 3.5 in a normal world, but a new movie to watch is like gold Jerry gold!
Runtime: 102 minutes
How to Watch: Disney + from April 24
Short Version – Chris Pratt + Tom Holland + Pixar = Awesome
Normally a Pixar movie release is a big deal for movie nerds like me. Everything they do is absolute gold, except for Cars 2….that was a trash fire. Sadly before everything closed, Onward was at the cinemas only slightly longer than that pause Dora does after she asks a question. But we have good news, Disney are releasing it online almost immediately so buckle up, this is a beauty.
Join my 2nd favourite movie star Chris (love you Hemsworth) and my favourite Spiderman (close 2nd is Tobey Maguire for those playing at home) as they star as elf brothers in a modern day suburban fantasy world…think Lord of the Rings but where Gandalf goes and orders Dominos after a hard day working as an accountant.
In any other era, this would have made a squillion dollars and been an absolute smash. It is funny, the visuals are amazing as always and the plot will get you right in the feels as the brother’s try and use magic to bring their dad back to life for one last hug. Bloody onions. I mean its like in the start of ‘Up’, where you just start leaking eye fluid and can’t stop it.
Mr 6 absolutely loved it. In fact this has already been requested for a re-watch as soon as we can get it (managed to sneak this one in at the cinema before the apocalypse) and if you have tween daughters all you will need to say is “Tom Holland” and they will love it. Like most Pixar flicks, it has a heap for the parents too and best of all, no songs. No power ballads from an ice castle about frozen lakes or whatever…absolute bliss.
4.5 out of 5 Elves who drive panel vans. I also love Chris Evans so maybe he nudges Pratt to position 3. Its a tough call.
The Wishmas Tree
Runtime: 90 minutes
Short version – Support Aussie cinema. Just bloody go see it, you won’t regret it.
Being a parent is tough. Usually when you watch movies and TV aimed at the younger kids, it can be a grind. Hour after hour, until eventually you find yourself so engrossed in whether or not Dora will take the hidden path through the mountains that you don’t realise your kids left the room half an hour ago. Rest assured this one is not like that at all, it is actually really funny and pretty much for all ages.
We don’t get to see a heap of Aussie movies at the cinema, certainly not for kids anyway. It is also kind of cool, given the horrible summer we have had, to see all the cool Australian animals on screen. They play cricket too! But as nice as that sentiment is and all that, Aussie movies can sometimes be a bit rubbish. Thankfully, this one is a winner and the kids will love it, plus as an added bonus it won’t be 90 minutes of your life you will wish never happened. The animation is bright and the little critters are as cute as baby Yoda, plus a lot of the actors are Aussies so the voices will be familiar too.
The story follows a bunch of Aussie animals living in a little sanctuary (funnily enough called Sanctuary City), where they live beneath a big old magical wishmas tree (funnily enough it grants wishes). Obviously an adventure follows and the brave team of animals do a heap of cute and funny things, which the little kids will eat up. There are a few scenes with some predator animals that may scare some little ones, but it is mainly a bright and bubbly kind of flick. Mr 5 absolutely loved this one, but it would be aimed mainly at the under teen bracket.
3 out of 5 Drop Bears. They really have drop bears which is so cool. They also have a TV show named Pelican Degeneres which made me laugh so hard I snorted.
Sonic the Hedgehog
Runtime: 99 minutes
Short version – OK 80s kids….were you a Sonic or Mario kid? You will be Sonic after this.
This should have been a steaming dumpster fire of a movie. If you want to give yourself a nightmare, google ‘Sonic before and after’, to see what Sonic looked like when they released the first trailer. It will keep you awake at night. I don’t even know how to describe it. If Married at First Sight was a cartoon character, it would like as terrifying as that.
Thankfully, for probably the first time ever, the movie studio listened to the internet and went away and fixed this monstrosity and made Sonic look really cool in time for the movie’s release. Now I am assuming all my faithful readers (Hi Mum) know who Sonic the Hedgehog actually is. As a bonafide 80s kid, you were either a Mario kid or a Sonic kid, not both. In video game land, Mario was Nintendo and Sonic was Sega. Like Chalk and Cheese, Crows and Port, Me and A version of me who doesn’t binge eat in my pyjamas. I was always more on the Mario side, but when it came to the movies Mario had destroyed any goodwill with possibly the worst movie ever made (including The Emoji Movie), Super Mario Bros. It was a car crash. Don’t believe me? Watch it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
In his first movie outing, Sonic is a space hedgehog (because that is a thing) who is insanely fast, but also holds unlimited power. Naturally, baddies try and catch him to get that power and all that usual plot stuff. Before I lose you with the sort of simple plot, you have to add Jim Carrey in his best performance in soooo long. He is sensational and so funny. Plus the kids will love (and not be terrified anymore thankfully) by Sonic, who is pretty much a teenage space hedgehog who just does teenage things like not listen to his parents and do stupid stuff.
We all absolutely loved this and can’t wait for the next one. A few cartoonish battle scenes may slightly frighten little ones (Mr 5 covered his eyes briefly at times) but there is nothing too bad. They nailed this one and in a kind of cool little twist, Mr 5 came home and wanted to play Sonic. Maybe I should make him watch a movie about cleaning his room.
4.5 out of 5 Space Hedgehogs. Your move Mario. Redeem yourself!
Runtime: 124 mins
Short version – Did you know Clueless was based on Jane Austen’s Emma? Well now you do.
So. Not my standard genre this one. Me seeing a Jane Austen movie is the movie equivalent of a bull in a china shop. Nobody quite knows how he got there but he is probably going to make a lot of noise and upset those around him. The last 40 or so movies I have seen have usually involved a talking animal of some kind or someone wearing a cape or flinging around a lightsaber. I had no idea how I would take to pretty much the complete opposite to my standard fare, a gentle stroll through 18th (ish) century England. Well it turns out I actually like Jane Austen! Who knew.
Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t perfect. For one its quiet. Like so quiet. All the humour is so subtle (but still really funny), the music so soft and general movie sounds so low, that it legitimately took me about 20 minutes to eat my choc top because every crunch reverberated through the cinema like a jackhammer. I felt like I was in the Birds Eye Golden Crunch chips ad where they crunch insanely loud with every bite. That was me, but with choc tops.
So join Emma Woodhouse, a rich (Downton Abbey sort of rich) 21 year old who does a bit of match making when she isn’t sitting quite proper and speaking very deliberately about things. The cast is superb, with a few familiar faces popping up (If you have watched the most recent season of The Crown…you are in luck) and by the end you will be wishing you lived 300 years ago except for the lack of wifi and antibiotics.
This isn’t a kids movie obviously, but as a date night movie its a pretty good choice. Normal rom coms are sometimes a special kind of torture, and although this does maybe drag a bit longer than it should time wise, it is probably a pretty good choice for your Valentine date night. Or go Bad Boys for Life. Toss a coin. I dare you.
4 out of 5 fancy hats. They all wear fancy hats. I wish hats were still a thing outside of Melbourne Cup day.
Runtime: 101 minutes
Short version – Mr 5 gave this movie a zero. From a kid who loves Iron Man.
I love Robert Downey Jr. I mean I saw the trash reviews for this and thought ‘nope, it can’t be that bad. Iron Man cannot be that bad’. Iron Man was indeed, that bad. It hurts when someone you love hurts you so bad. You have such high expectations for them and hold them on a pedestal, that when it all comes crashing down the fall seems all that much harder. Kind of reminds me of how I felt after the 2017 AFL Grand Final. Still haven’t recovered from that thanks Crows.
This really should have been the perfect kids school holiday movie. Likeable and popular lead, with big budget talking animals with a bunch of celebrity voices. Boom. Licence to print money. Sadly, they sort of forgot to make it funny. Or interesting. Or exciting. Or anything really. Coupled with a weird Welsh accent from Iron Man and it was just kind of annoying in the end.
So what’s it all about then? Well Dolittle is a vet that talks to animals. Sort of like Dr Chris Brown but less attractive, and I’m not actually sure Dr Chris can talk to the animals either. But anyway. For some reason the Queen of England, while being sick, calls a vet to help her get better. Seems an odd choice. Would have thought a people Doctor would have been a better choice but what do I know. I am not a fancy Hollywood script writing person.
So because of this weird plot choice, Doctor Chris Dolittle has to solve the mystery of why the Queen is sick or something, then go on an adventure to find the cure which is apparently yet to be discovered but they seem to know a lot about it? Made no sense but whatever. The animals do a bunch of stuff, none of which is very funny, then the movie ends.
None of the crap plot, lack of funniness and weird accents matter as long as the kids liked it right? Sadly, everyone thought it was a steaming pile of 2017 AFL Grand Final. Mr 5 gave it zero. Zero! And I gave him snacks like the whole way through so he should have been primed for a good score. I thought it may have been him being spiteful for me eating most of his popcorn, but he was adamant. Zero. So the score stands. There wasn’t anything for the kids to be scared about, apart from a scary lack of coherent plot and Iron Man’s Welsh accent.
The rest of us were slightly more generous with our scores. Slightly.
1.5 out of 5 dogs wearing glasses. Watch this at home on Netflix while scrolling insta on your phone.
Shaun The Sheep Movie: Farmageddon
Runtime: 87 minutes
Short version – There is no talking. At all. In the entire movie.
So I remember Shaun the Sheep. Mainly the annoying theme song which kind of sticks in your brain like Gangnam Style, but I don’t actually remember watching a whole episode. Had I remembered, I probably would have realised nobody actually talks. So as the movie rolled on for a few minutes, I realised that not one character speaks. I mean they make noises, sort of like the noises I make when I try and get out of a chair. Thats pretty much it. Middle aged man trying to get off the lounge noises. For 87 minutes.
Not that the plot is hard to follow or anything. Its no Da Vinci Code. Alien lands on farm. Shaun the Sheep meets alien. Nobody speaks. The end. This is one of those movies that are pretty much aimed at the 5 year olds or younger, then gives minimal enjoyment to those older than 5 who have to watch it. I was actually surprised it was listed at only 87 minutes. Felt like an eternity.
Look it wasn’t that bad. The kids in the packed cinema seemed to love it. Hard to tell with kids though sometimes isn’t it. You could take them to Dreamworld for the day, but if you refuse to get them a balloon on the way out, its like you ruined their life and the lives of their children’s children. Mr 5 followed the plot well enough and seemed happy enough, but he had 2 killer pythons as snacks so he probably would have been happy watching movie ads. I had zero chance of dragging my older 2 girls to this one. I know when to pick my battles. So let you older kids walk the mall while you go see this one. They will be fine. Probably.
Lastly, this is made by the Wallace and Gromit claymation studio. I love that style, but if you don’t? Bad luck. Your kid will make you see this anyway. Sucker.
2.5 out of 5 Sheep. Did you know the plural of sheep is sheep? There you go. Education and movie reviews.
Spies in Disguise
Runtime: 115 minutes
Short version – If the cackling squeals of a 5yo mean a movie is good, then this was good. Or maybe he just likes pigeons?
I love Will Smith. I love Tom Holland. Add them together in a movie and it should be like adding Maltesers to popcorn (Try it. Seriously. Chuck the bag in there and just grab a mixed handful of chocolate salty goodness. Thank me later). I watched precisely zero trailers for this movie and apart from the title, knew nothing about what it was about. Spies wearing disguises I assumed. I cracked that code pretty quick.
So I sat down with the squids for a few hours to watch Will Smith playing himself, but in cartoon form, and Tom Holland pretty much doing the same thing. Add in a lot of pigeons, pigeon jokes and pigeon facts, then you kind of have this movie down pat. I actually learnt a lot about pigeons from this movie. Did you know pigeons can fly at 92 miles per hour! I mean I could convert that to metric but that seems like a lot of work. Anyway I was impressed. Seemed fast. Not sure if that is what the makers of this movie intended audiences to take away from it, but there you go. Entertainment plus learning. Don’t say that to the kids otherwise they won’t go.
In case the title code was a tad complex to break, Will Smith plays a spy who through a bunch of plot devices takes on a disguise in order to save the world or his career or something. That disguise comes from when he is turned into a pigeon. Not really a spoiler as it was in the trailer, but certainly took me by surprise. There are a couple of funny bits. I can’t remember them the same way I can quote most of Step Brothers (so much room for activities. Did we just become best friends?) but you should at least laugh out loud twice.
My clan enjoyed this. Mr 5 loved it more than I think he should have. Seems he really like pigeons. Miss 11 gave the usual one word answer whenever I ask if she enjoyed something….”good”. I feel the school system is letting down the kids these days. They just don’t use words good like I do.
2.5 out of 5 Pigeons. There are so many pigeons.
Jumanji: The Next Level
Runtime: 123 minutes
Short Version – I smelled what the Rock was cooking. It was sensational!
So I will just note before this review that The Rock is my man crush. I have loved him since his days as a wrestler and love all his movies (except Doom. That was rubbish). Essentially, he gets a 3 out of 5 before I even see it. For those interested, my other man crush is Chris Hemsworth. Anyway moving on…
The Jumanji sequels with The Rock have somehow managed to improve on something that was already brilliant. Its like when you get KFC chips and dip them in potato and gravy. It becomes this incredible potato on potato inception-style snack bonanza that is just heavenly. If you haven’t seen the first Jumanji with The Rock, give it a go. You will love it. Also, watch it while eating KFC chips and potato and gravy. You can thank me later.
So the new Jumanji moved away from the board game of the original to a video game setting, with a bunch of kids transported into the game and having to ‘play’ the game as different characters. This new instalment has the kids thrown back into the game for another adventure where they do stuff. It is seriously one of the funniest and best family movies I have seen in ages. The only downside is that I saw this movie a few days after gorging myself stupid at Christmas, so every time I laughed my body jiggled, reminding me that I ate way too many mince pies.
The Rock and all the cast are just insanely funny. My clan, ranging from 5 to 15, all absolutely loved it. Mr 5 gave it a thousand out of 10, which is quite a good score but also gave an insight into his grasp of basic mathematics. It is a bit of an action type movie and there are some scenes where Mr 5 used my hand as a human helmet to block a few little bits here and there, but there was nothing too bad. This is a school holiday must see.
5 out of 5 People’s Elbows (little WWE throwback reference for those playing at home) – An absolute corker this one.
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Runtime: 142 minutes
Short version – Fear not. It isn’t crap. Not amazing either but not crap.
Do you know when you love something, like really really love something, then it hurts you a lot. But you love it anyway? Like me when I have soft cheese. God I love me some cheese but it just doesn’t love me back as much. Well Star Wars is like that. The soft cheese of movies. I am still recovering from the shemozzle that was The Last Jedi. That sucked so bad.
Since Disney acquired the Star Wars infinity stone to add to their entertainment gauntlet (extra points for those who get the Marvel reference) a few years back, they have been churning out a new Star Wars movie every year, with no real care as to whether they are any good or not. So again, this year like clockwork, I went along to eat the soft cheese which is Star Wars. Will it hurt me again this year or will it hark back to the glory days of awesomeness.
Well for me, the answer is somewhere in the middle. If you haven’t seen the newest bunch of Star Wars movies, and only know the old ones, there is enough here that you will recognise. Chewbacca, C3PO, R2D2 and those weird aliens with the long noses. But you may get a bit lost with what is actually going on. Who cares though, because its Star Wars and nobody really watches Star Wars for the in depth plots and character developments.
Spoiling a Star Wars movie in a review is a crime punishable by having to watch the Emoji Movie on repeat 10 times in a row, so that isn’t going to happen! But you should leave somewhat satisfied, especially if you choose Fruchocs…..can’t ever be disappointed if you choose Fruchocs.
Kids love Star Wars and although there is no swearing and bad gory things in this one, it is fairly loud and there are a heap of fighting scenes. Nothing out of the ordinary for Star Wars here so if your kids like the others, they will be fine with this one. My kids think Star Wars is boring so if anyone wants a few kids, I have some for sale. Going cheap.
3 out of 5 Droids. It isn’t the Star Wars movie you are looking for but it is at least a heap better than the last one.
The Addams Family
Runtime: 105 minutes
In Theatres: 5 December 2019 Short version – It should have sucked but it actually kind of didn’t.
If you have zero expectations for something, then not only will you never be disappointed but you will often be really surprised when things aren’t as shite as you expect them to be. I take this attitude to a lot of things in life, from my expectations for how my beloved Adelaide Crows will perform (or not perform) to Netflix Christmas movies (always shite except The Knight Before Christmas….that was really bad in the best possible way!). So this was me heading in to see The Addams Family.
I didn’t realise there was a demand for an animated Addams Family movie. I mean the live action movies in the 90s were kind of good, but you know, sort of forgot they were even a thing since then. So walking in to see this I was honestly just looking forward to having popcorn and a choc top before midday. The movie just legitimised my binge snacking issue. Eating half a kilo of popcorn before noon is totally fine as long as a movie is playing on a screen in front of you. Do it in your car and apparently you have a problem.
Shock horror this movie was actually good! With a Coraline/Corpse Bride style of animation (you know that Nightmare Before Christmas vibe) and a real homage to the original Addams Family series, coupled with lots and lots of jokes to keep the parents entertained, you will actually like this a lot. I actually think the parents will like this more than the kids. They also threw in a wholesome message about always being true to yourself or something. I think that was the message, or it might have been to always have a frankenstein monster as a butler. Dunno. I was eating a lot of snacks so it was hard to hear.
It takes a brave kids movie to release as direct competition to the Frozen juggernaut, but if ever a movie was the complete opposite of Frozen, it is the Addams Family. The kids didn’t laugh half as much as the parents to be honest but they won’t be too bored. The general vibe of the Addams Family is Halloween-style horror, but nothing is too terrifying apart from price of Fruchocs at the candy bar. All ages will get something out of this to pass a few hours on a rainy or 45 degree day (With Adelaide weather either could happen in the same week). Give it a shot if you have already seen Frozen once or 7 times.
3 out of 5 Spiders. There are a lot of spiders in this movie. And frogs. Public service announcement for those scared of spiders and frogs.
Runtime: 103 minutes
In Theatres: 28 November Short version – Don’t bother fighting it. You will see this movie. Probably many many times.
If you have a child, know a child or were once a child yourself, you would have seen the first Frozen movie. Since it was released 6 years ago, odds are you saw it so many times that you have developed an unhealthy hatred of snow, singing, Kristen Bell and singing. One thing for sure is, you still love Olaf. God I love that little guy. Just want to give him a big warm hug.
You don’t need to rewatch the first one before seeing number 2. Your brain will remember it as vividly as the time you slipped over in front of that girl you liked from high school when you took her ten pin bowling and split your pants. Moving on….
All your faves are here. Anna, Elsa, Kristoff, Olaf, Sven and all the townsfolk of Arendal who have learnt to just live with the fact their Queen could freeze the water supply through nothing more than a bad dream. Must be sort of terrifying really but they seem to like her so good for them. They smile a lot but that could be out of fear I guess. I wonder if Elsa cheats during water balloon fights? You know, just freeze the balloons mid flight. I feel like she would. Seems rather the competitive type.
In this instalment they go on a quest because, well there doesn’t seem to be a lot more to do in Arendal to be honest. I guess rock climbing or kayaking but hard to build a plot around that, so off they go on an adventure and meet new friends, break into song every 7 or 8 minutes and discover that Elsa is actually a founding member of the X-Men. That part isn’t true but can’t wait for the cross over! My clan, from Mr 5 to Miss 15 all absolutely loved it and we sang a brand new brain crushing song all the way home. I won’t spoil which song it is. You will know it when you hear it.
Take all the kids. They will love it so much you will watch it for the next 5 years on repeat.
5 out of 5 Songs that will get stuck in your head until you develop insomnia.
Runtime: 103 minutes
Short version – Prepare to have George Michael songs stuck in your brain.
So here we are. The first Christmas movie of the season hits the cinema with yet another attempt at a rom-com classic to rival Love Actually. I think the same guy made it actually…there you go trivia buffs, you can throw out that little tid bit of movie trivia without having to lose a tooth on a fantail. It wasn’t really romantic though and wasn’t really a comedy. More of a non-rom non-com. But it still works.
Join Daenerys of the House Tagaryen as she somehow manages to keep her job, despite pretty much being an unreliable alcoholic, as a sales rep at a Christmas Shop run by the rich mum from Crazy Rich Asians. There she meets the son from Crazy Rich Asians who just seems like a really nice dude in real life I reckon. Kind of like Chris Hemsworth. You want to hate them for being so bloody good looking but you just can’t. I won’t give away the plot because unlike every rom-com ever made, this one is actually half interesting, but Crazy Rich Chris Hemsworth sort of stalks Daenerys in a ‘it would be creepy if I did it but it is cute because the guy who did it is Zoolander level attractive’. Stuff happens and then the movie ends. Can’t say any more because that would be a spoiler, which is bad.
I will be the first to admit I am probably not the target market for this movie. They probably didn’t have ‘middle aged dude who currently has annoying hay fever’ in mind when they wrote this one. So if you tend to like these sort of things, or anything starring Jennifer Aniston or Matthew McConaughey, then pack your bags as you are in for a treat. For what its worth I didn’t hate it.
Now probably a tad more of a date night kind of movie than a kids sort of movie, the tweens and teens still got a kick out of this and apart from the usual emotions these sort of movies try and jerk at (damn onions!), there is nothing here that will be unsuitable.
3 out of 5 Dragons (Game of thrones reference for those playing at home). It isn’t Love Actually but its actually not bad.
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil
Runtime: 118 minutes
Short version – The movie version of the drunk business idea you and your friends think of. Crazy but it works!
You know when you walk into a conversation that has been going a while, don’t really know what they are talking about so you just smile like a weirdo and laugh with them to pretend you know what on Earth they are on about? That was me in the first 15 minutes of Maleficent, because I had either not seen the first one or my brain had erased it. Thankfully it didn’t take long to catch up because this Disney flick had quite frankly, cut and pasted the plot of about a dozen movies before. Legit. I don’t usually do the spoiler thing but bugga it, this is a cracker.
The plot of Avatar, you know the mega successful blue people movie. Peaceful (but powerful) forest people at one with nature fight against the evil humans who want their land for mining or herbs or whatever. Watch Maleficent and through some incredible use of trickery, the screenwriters have cut and pasted that script here! It is bonkers. But its good fun so who cares.
Join Angelina Jolie as Maleficent (no relation to Fiddy Cent) as she tries to convince everyone that she isn’t the big scary evil flying dragon thing that she kind of actually is, who has the power to pretty much kill everyone with a single thought. For some reason she has a god daughter (Aurora – Sleeping Beauty) who is human but lives with all the elves and fairies, rather than the humans on the other side of the river. If that was me, a large clumsy dude, I would be petrified of tripping and crushing my forest friends. But that’s just me. Maybe she isn’t clumsy?
As weird as this movie is, given its basically the characters from Sleeping Beauty thrust into Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest, its actually pretty good fun. The special effects are epic and make you forget all the weird plot shenanigans going on. Jolie is awesome as the misunderstood magical sky demon and it has the best ‘meet the in-laws dinner party’ scene since Meet the Parents. Kids under 10 might be scared by some of the darker bits and I its a tad sad at times (I am Groot. Will leave it at that) but apart from the little ones, the whole clan will get a kick out of this one. At around 2hrs, if you have the bladder the size of a thimble you will need 2 toilet breaks. Just a heads up thimble friends.
3.5 out of 5 winged sky demons with amazing cheekbones. You will have a blast.
Paw Patrol: Ready Race Rescue
Runtime: 44 minutes
Short version – Its only 44 minutes. You got this. I believe in you.
Every parent has had those times where you are sitting watching Hannah Montana for 3 hours and then you look around and realise the kids left the room ages ago. Surely that isn’t just me right? You just kind of zonk out in a sleep deprived state of semi-consciousness, not really sure what time it is but happy that the kids are alive and that means you are doing your job. Paw Patrol is kind of like that. There is nothing in it for the adults but after long enough, you really just hope Marshall wins the bloody race. He has to beat the corrupt Mayor Humdinger! How do they not see how corrupt he is!
If you haven’t heard of the Paw Patrol, they are a bunch of dogs who are sort of like a mix of the SES, Police, Firies and Ambos all rolled into one. Everyone just calls them direct to help when they get stuck and stuff. They have some awesome tech. I don’t know who is funding them but they have all the good stuff. I spent most of the time wondering how they grip the steering wheels with their paws. I couldn’t see any gripping pads or any sort of pup handles. One of many plot holes I suppose.
This one is for the really small kids. Like if they have never been to the cinema before, at 44 minutes this one is perfect. The story doesn’t matter. The pups race. Save their friends. Something about believing in yourself or something. All good wholesome stuff. My 5yo ate it up like fairy floss at the show. Out of his seat half the time cheering, so for that I guess it was spot on and it didn’t drag on so that’s a win for me.
4 out of 5 pups. Not sure how long this one will last in the cinema so get onto it this school holidays!
Dora and the Lost City of Gold
Runtime: 102 minutes
Short version – In hindsight, Dora’s parents weren’t really that attentive were they.
I have teen daughters which for me, meant that a vast majority of the last decade of my life has been in that twilight zone of time in between Dora asking a question to the audience and Dora answering the question. Time seemed to stand still in those mere seconds, as I watched her frozen eyes and wondered if I had accidentally paused the remote. Then, usually about 10 seconds later, she would answer that she would indeed take the path to the forest and not the mountains as I had guessed.
The Dora cartoon was soul destroying for a parent and I expected something similar of this movie. But with Michael Pena (one of the funniest dudes around) and Eva Longoria on board, it had some chance of not being terrible. This ended up falling in between as some sort of Lara Croft Jr/Jumanji for kids hybrid that wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but doesn’t mean it was good. Like a service station hot dog that didn’t give you gastro. I mean it wasn’t bad, but that doesn’t mean it was good. The best bits were then it took the piss out of the cartoon, like Dora staring for ages after asking a question. Or why Swiper the fox wore a mask. Was there a lot of fox related crime in the jungle and he needed to keep his identity a secret? Alas those moments were few and far between.
My daughters, 14 and 11yrs, thought it was OK. Probably in the service station hot dog range like me. My 5year old actually really liked it and he sat still during the whole thing. He didn’t get scared at all and there is nothing that will put anyone off, but I think out of all of us I actually like this the most. I think that means Dora has totally destroyed my brain. Like some sort of cruel torture.
3 out of 5 because Swiper swiped the other 2 stars.
Runtime: 97 minutes
Short version – Will make you want a Yeti as a pet
You know how there are some words that you just really struggle to say. Squirrel. Worcestershire Sauce (not the sauce bit…I have that down pat), sixth. Well add Abominable to that list for me. I just can’t get it out. I just end up saying Abommable. As a result I hereby rename this movie “The Magic Snow Beast”.
I will set the scene. Magic snow beast is magic and also rare. Evil rich dude who collects rare things catches him for reasons. Probably to make a rug out of him or something. Magic snow beast escapes, finds plucky kids and bingo. Hilarity ensues. Well when I say hilarity, its not quite that scene in bridesmaids where the chick is trying on wedding dresses after a dodgy lunch and collapses in the middle of the road, but there is enough to give you a bit of an actual lol. Not where you type lol but don’t actually make any sounds, an actual laugh out loud. Thats where this movie fits.
The kids will really like this one. All of mine did, except my 5 year old was a little scared of the magic snow beast at the start, but eventually I was able to regain use of my hand soon enough from it duty as “5yo eye coverer during sort of scary bits”. Miss 14 and 11 both loved it, but I did buy them a frozen coke on the way to the movies so they were in good moods which helped. Parenting hack – Frozen coke makes car rides so much quieter and more pleasant. Didn’t think you would get parenting tips as well as a movie review did you! The plot revolves around friendship, family, working together and all that jazz, which my 5yo found really easy to follow and keep track of what was going on. And if anyone cares I liked it too. A winner all round.
4 out of 5 magic snow beasts
Angry Birds 2
Runtime: 97 minutes
Short version – Like the Royal Show. Kids will love it. Adults not so much.
in 2009, a young Tim with slightly less lower back pain than now, was sitting on the toilet playing Angry Birds, a new whiz bang phone game that was all the rage. How could I possibly foresee that fast forward a decade and I would be writing a review of not only a movie about that game, but a sequel! A sequel to a phone time wasting toilet game where you throw birds into pigs. What a time to be alive.
Didn’t see the first one? Don’t stress I will catch you up. The red bird is the angry one. In the first one he saved the island from the pigs or something and now all the other birds like him. The birds now spend their days playing pranks on the pigs, who live on a nearby island. They are mortal enemies, these birds and pigs. Don’t ask why. I did and it melted my brain. Anyway they have to join forces to fight a threat from a mysterious third island. Those 5 lines essentially sum up the entire movie. I can’t believe someone presented that as an idea for a movie and then someone actually said “yeah here’s $50m, go knock yourself out”.
What is most worrying is my kids bloody loved it. I think they are broken. I don’t think I laughed once. Maybe a burp turned into a giggle, but that’s as close as I got. In a worrying sign for our future movie industry, my 5yo gave it 5 out of 5, my 11yo a solid 4 and my 14yo, who is the most sane of the group, a lowly 2. I will give it a 1. I am more disappointed with myself that I expected more from the Angry Birds 2 movie.
Overall 3.5 out of 5 birds. Sadly your kids will actually really like it.
A Dog’s Journey
Runtime: 108 minutes
Short version – We don’t deserve dogs.
Dogs are the best. Any movie involving a dog is great. Turner and Hooch. Milo and Otis. Beethoven. Beethoven’s 2nd. Not Beethoven’s 3rd. That was crap. All in all, whack a cute dog and some sort of loveable humans around it and its a sure fire recipe for movie magic!
This one however, was tough. If you don’t know the premise for this sequel to A Dog’s Purpose, basically Olaf from Frozen is a dog that gets reincarnated a bunch of times as it follows the lives of the various hoomans in his life. Essentially what that means is that a dog dies like every half an hour. It is brutal. I cried. Both my daughters cried. Then repeat every half hour when the dog dies again. It is like watching Marley and Me 4 or 5 times in a row.
After the 2nd dog died I sort of ran out of tears so was able to pay some sort of attention to the plot. You know it will end well, but if the success of a movie is judged by the amount of dogs that die in heartbreaking fashion whilst somehow managing to piece together your broken dog loving heart in an awesome conclusion, then this one ticks all the boxes.
We all loved this one. Even my middle daughter who ‘hates movies’. So for that alone this one rises above the pack. Get it. Pack. See what I did there. Pack. Dog pack. Anyway…..Everyone will find the dog deaths sad but there is nothing too scary along the way so most ages will love it.
4 out of 5 pups. At least I know I won’t cry in Angry Birds 2. Probably.
The Secret Life of Pets 2
Runtime: 86 minutes
Short version – I saw it 3hrs ago and have already kind of forgotten it.
Any parent will know that for every Toy Story, there is an Emoji Movie. This is one of those in between ones where it isn’t exactly painful to sit through, but when you walk out you wonder what exactly you did for the last 90 minutes. Sort of like when you drive home when a bit tired and then forget how you drove the last 5km, sitting there at at the traffic lights in a daze. Thats The Secret Life of Pets 2. Sitting at the traffic lights in a daze, not entirely sure where the last bit of your life went but knowing it wasn’t bad. You could also call it July. As in “oh my god its already July where has the year gone and what have I done with my life”
Join Max, Duke and some other pets whose names I have already forgotten, as they get up to mischief in New York whilst their owners are unconscious somewhere I assume. I mean they snuck a tiger into an apartment. Not really a spoiler alert because, does it really matter what the plot is? I spent most of my time trying to work out which pet best described me. Turns out I am Duke, the big scruffy one. He is clumsy, eats all the food and doesn’t really know what is happening most of the time.
The kids ate it all up like lollies from a showbag though, so for that it gets full marks. My 3, ranging from 5 years through 14, all thought it was the bees knees and to that end, it is great family viewing. There are no scary bits and the humour is very much aimed at the kids, so no awkward convos to have later. The older teens may (will) get a tad bored however.
Thankfully at 86 minutes it is shorter than a Kardashian marriage and will be over before you know it.
3 out of 5 dogs. A point for each of my kids that liked it. No points from me.
The Lion King
Runtime: 118 minutes
Short version – Relive the most traumatic death of your childhood. In stunning High Definition.
I would pay to listen to James Earl Jones reading the back of a detergent label. There is something about that voice which soothes the soul. Which is probably part of the reason why the death of Mufasa in the 1994 original hit so hard. You are on such a high watching the father-son relationship between Mufasa and Simba and then bam, somebody starts cutting onions again.
In this new instalment, which I had to explain to my daughter isn’t a live action update like Aladdin (or were the lions just really well trained?), what is arguably Disney’s finest work is faithfully recreated practically scene for scene. The visuals are just insane. I mean what’s next? Will I be able to smell the lions next? For a moment you feel like you are watching a David Attenborough doco, until Pumba tells a fart joke which kind of reminds you this isn’t real.
The voice actors are incredible. Thankfully Jones was able to perform again as Mufasa because quite frankly, he is irreplaceable. Timon and Pumba are outstanding and a young up and comer named Beyonce (Think its pronounced Bee-Yon-Say) is great as Nala. Big things are in store for her I am sure.
The little ones are a bit young for this version. It is so life like that most of the Scar and Hyena scenes even scared me and I am 38. So my 5 year old will have to wait for this one, so will my 11 year old who got her bravery from me. The Mufasa death is obviously a tough watch too which may be upsetting for kids or 38 year old men.
Maybe try out the cartoon version and gauge their reaction, the scenes are almost identical.
For the adults, take your tissues. I have now cried 3 times in movies. Twice involve The Lion King.
5 out of 5 Beyonces. Outstanding. Better than the original.
Runtime: 128 minutes
Short version: Disney ruined my childhood.
Jokes. This is incredible. I was 11 when Aladdin was released with the incomparable Robin Williams. Since then I have seen it in excess of 6000 times. Probably. It certainly feels like that many. Even saw the musical a few years back. It is a tale as old as time….wait sorry, wrong movie. Anyway Aladdin is a classic and a remake will struggle to top the original. So I thought.
You know the story. Street rat Aladdin on the streets of Agrabah, fooled by the evil Jafar yada yada yada Genie yada yada yada Princess and happily ever after.
Every single fave moment from the original is here and they nailed it. Not going to say I cried during the magic carpet ride but someone had some onions near me I swear. The cast is perfection and Will Smith. The Fresh Prince nailed this. Bravo.
Parents will love the nostalgia, the laughs and the visuals. So colourful and fantastic music. Kids of nearly all ages will love it too. Some of the little ones under 8 might find some of the mild action and fighting scenes a little much, especially nearing towards the end with….you know how it ends. Jafar. Evil genie. Do you do spoiler alerts for remakes of movies 27 years ago? Anyway for me, my 5yo is a little way off this one but my 11yo and 14yo were all over this.
Loved it! 4 lamps out of 5 for this one.
Toy Story 4
Short version – You can indeed improve on perfection.
Dear Pixar, Please just make Toy Story movies forever. Kind regards, Tim. Its hard to believe the first Toy Story was released in the mid 90s. Those were the days. I was rocking an undercut then from memory whilst navigating year 10. Thankfully there was no facebook to record that fashion travesty. Anyway I digress, since that first release, Pixar created probably the perfect trilogy of movies with the release of Toy Story 2 and 3 over the next 15 years or so. So did they stuff it up by going for number 4? I mean what 4th instalment of anything was any good. Police Academy 4? Nope. Sharknado 4? Nope again. Although Sharknado is truly awesome in its own way. Looking at you Iain Ziering.
Somehow they nailed it. With number 3 ending on a perfect note, the story picks up with Buzz, Woody and co. travelling across country with Bonnie and their new friend Forky. Spoiler alert, Forky is a plastic fork. I can imagine the round table meeting at Pixar where some hung over writer was asked on the spot for an idea for a new character. Then, hazily staring down at his empty lunch container he piped up with ‘uh how about a plastic fork’. Genius. Hilarious too. The scenes with Woody and Forky will remind parents of trying to drag a toddler through a shopping centre at Christmas.
The whole thing is just insanely good. You know those people that are annoyingly good at everything? ‘Oh you are a Doctor and also play the piano. Cool’. Thats Toy Story. It just shouldn’t be this good but it just is perfect.
This is the peak movie for the whole fam. The little kids will love it, the teen kids will love it and unless you have a small and undiscovered fear of those creepy old school dolls ala Annabelle, then adults will love it too.
And lastly, the person who doesn’t like those creepy dolls is me. Go see Annabelle yourself. Wont get a review from me though.
5 out of 5 forky’s. Bring on Toy Story 5!
Spider-Man: Far From Home
Runtime: 130 minutes
Short version – Stop what you are doing and go see this movie now.
I mean it. With Avengers: Endgame grossing almost $3 billion earlier this year, chances are you either Saw it several times Saw it once Didn’t see it but have a general idea what its all about because your kids won’t stop talking about it As someone who falls into category a), I will start by saying this review of Spider-man: Far from home, is entirely spoiler free. In fact I have probably already said too much. Far from home is the first movie in the Marvel cinematic universe since the events of Endgame, with details about plot kept very closely guarded. What I can say without fear of punishment, is all your favourite Spider-man faves return, as everyone’s favourite neighbourhood hero travels to Europe to try and win the heart of his crush MJ. Of course from there, adventures follow which leads to a brilliant conclusion and applause (I may have been the only one clapping I must add). Oh my god so good. For those very familiar with the current crop of superhero movies, this will tick all your boxes. In fact, don’t even take the kids. Just go on your own when the cinema is empty and enjoy this majestic period in cinematic history. If you don’t like superhero movies and the kids are dragging you along? Will I like it I hear you say?
Of course you will. You don’t need to have seen all 22 Marvel movies to enjoy this one. They touch briefly at the start on previous events to quickly catch everyone up and then grab your popcorn and enjoy the show. At a nudge over 2 hours, it won’t feel overly long and will be a great way to spend an afternoon. It has been given an M rating which seems fair. There are a lot of action scenes which could be a bit scary in parts and very loud in the cinema. There is also one short scene in particular (you will know it when you see it) which would probably scare the pants off the little ones. So for me and my kids, the 6yo gets a miss for this one and my 11yo is a little jumpy so probably not either. My 14yo is tougher than me and she love love loved it! Oh and another thing. Always stay til the end of the credits. Totally worth the wait.
4.5 webs out of 5 for me and that will probably increase after a 2nd viewing.